Migratoryman on the move

Well well well well, I never thought the day would come when i would write my own blog, funny how things works out on it’s own sometimes. So who am I? What do i do and what do i intend to do with this new way of expression myself. Well to begin with I’m 26 years of age and my name is Juha Markus Ilmari Niskanen and this blog will be my sanctuary for thoughts, emotions, wonders and adventures of my life that has been and what it might have in store for me. As the name indicates i am what you would call a migratory bird, no home to call his own or no strong bond to a single place, that is how I lived my life and are living it.

As I’m new to this i would like you to have some patience with me, as a first blog i have made a introduction of myself and as I will continue this blog I will reveal more of myself to you. So where to begin? What about the present for now.

I had a chat with a friend of mine yesterday, where she asked me where or what i call home, well to be true that got me thinking. Where is exactly home for me? Is it where I grew up or is there where i feel most at peace or where most of my friends live? To fill you up on my story how this came to be I will post a small biography of my self, but not just now, have patience.

The reason she asked me these questions is just little over 2 years back i moved in to this City called Malmö, and have lived at five places in that time. Before that I lived in Gävle and just as now i only stayed there little less than 3 years and over that time i had five different addresses and over a summer i didn’t even have that. So I am moving once again and as previously its time for a new city, this time it’s the Swedish capital Stockholm that i have to whip and chain under me.

Well as you understand i couldn’t answer her question but as i said it got me thinking. Home, what is home? where is home? This will the first chain of thoughts and questions in my new blog. Feel free to comment or add your thoughts on the matter, I wish you all well, until next time my friends.

Embrace your darkness

What if everything around you feels gray like a fog, a blend of moist and loneliness.

You can’t see, you can’t feel, you are walking in no mans land.

What you see isn’t real, what you hear isn’t real.

A twisted reality like Alice’s wonderland, but yet in so many ways something entirely different.

If a feeling had a color it would be gray

If a touch had a color it would be gray

If the color gray would feel, it would be a wast emptiness void of any emotions or feelings.

You feel it everyday, you think about it everyday.

You try to avoid it but it is pointless.

What you feel is nothing, what you do doesn’t matter, for what can you do when you are lost in the fog in wonderland with no secret doors, no way out and no rabbit to guide you?

When the tears from your eyes are flowing down at your cheeks and with no one to see them, are they any less real than wonderland or this gray reality I live in?

Are they no less real than my lovers gentle touch when she dries my tears or when she envelop me in her soft embrace so that I can finely smile and feel happiness again?

Thank you love for your understanding, patience, kindness and most of all. Your love.

Don’t bother

Why bother when the decision is mine to do

I don’t need to be so don’t bother

Dishonesty doesn’t solve anything

Slipping farther away so you don’t have to bother

All the connections are built with dishonesty

I try to make you see but all you see is an illusion

I fail to see what you see so don’t bother

I’m a bulletproof empty tool used and discarded

What drives me out of my mind is what you see

Don’t bother because I’m blind so I raise my glass

Here is to dishonesty here is to decisions made by me

I don’t feel sorry for this loss I’m already gone

Can’t you see the illusion is made by dreams

I’ve been changing but you will never see

I’m so far away so don’t bother

Someday I will look you straight in the face and smile

Good bye to yesterday welcome to a new day

Don’t look back I’m already on my way

So don’t bother, don’t bother…

Brighter day’s

With blurred eyes i place my bet
With blinded eyes i see the world
With clear eyes I’m lost
In a blur i see you smile

Tears streaming down my cheeks
I wish i could see who you where smiling at

The wheel is spinning, no turning back now
Stuck in track, lost in space

I turned around, there you where
Smiling at me with eyes bright of joy
How come that the wheel stopped
How come that it is me that you’re smiling at

It’s dark outside, but inside of me
It’s bright as day

I’m special till the end

I don’t know since when I changed to such a cold-hearted guy
All these years I’ve been wandering around
Wondering how come nobody noticed who I was looking for was somebody
Somebody who looked like you, walked like you, smiled like you
I don’t give my heart to no one cause I don’t wanna waste my time

I have to warm this frozen icy lonely heart of mine
Love is not the word only for the sweet romance
My cold torn broken aching heart recalls all these long years
And all the memories I wanted to forget leaps in to my mind
Warming, breaking, aching, crying, chilling
Making sure that my heart stays cold

Well I’m scared, scared to death
And I’m scared that it will never end
Well I’m scared, scared to death
And I tell myself I’m special till the end

I tried to love this loneliness to slip out of this lonesome hole
Love is always by my side but I’ve never felt it once
I’m just a loser who ends up caring for my cold broken heart
Regrets taught me how to make any hard decisions

I like being wrapped with warmness more than anything else
Breathing in every single pleasant feeling
You turn the cold blackness in my heart into warm light
If you really wanna fly you have to let go

Well I’m scared, scared to death
And I’m scared that it will never end
Well I’m scared, scared to death
And I tell myself I’m special till the end

Waiting to come back up on my feet, you got to believe
When it’s dark you will be the light, when it’s silent I will be the sound
Find you turning, laughing and smiling in this world where everyone is lonely
If you are at a loss as to what to do, raise your finger
It will know which way the wind is blowing

I don’t care what they say no matter what they say
I had a premonition and I’ve been waitin’ ever since what a fool I’ve been
Let yourself loose every feeling joy to grief
I’m gonna make my coming days to be filled with laughter and joy
And I take it all in and grin at my future on the way

Well I’m scared, scared to death
And I’m scared that it will never end
Well I’m scared, scared to death
And I tell myself I’m special till the end

Melody of life

This life is all that I’ve ever known

I cried the rain that fills the ocean wide

I’m living in a dying dream calling out to no avail

A dying scream makes no sound as I play my melody

Hitting a accord feeling the sound fill me with sadness

I tried to talk to you, here am I, lost and found

Said if you won’t save me, please don’t waste my time

Tell me, where do we draw the line?

This life is a masquerade, where I am the phantom

That dances to my melody of life

Becoming a ROCKSTAR!

Ages has gone by since I wrote something here, last time I was in a really good mood something that is rarely seen, at least in my last 3 years. Well anyway since last time my life has taken many 180 degrees turns along the way, got quit dizzy and lost track somewhat, but I’m still hanging on and got a firmer grip now, at least for the moment. So, what has really happened then?

I have had the opportunity to meet some friends of mine that I haven’t seen in years, witch was very uplifting and made me feel better than I have in some time, thank you! And I have started my roulette table again, who knows when it will stop again or if there is any sane person left to make a bet, or rather dare to make a bet.

Myself I have talked to a doctor and are going to meet a shrink and see if it will make any difference, thou I doubt it but I’m happy if I’m proven wrong. And as a side note I have ordered a guitar so I have something to do those sleepless nights, who knows I might become good at it. Always loved the sound of acoustic guitar’s and envied those who can play it, so why not practice the guitar instead of sitting in front of the computer each sleepless night?! So in the beginning of next month I’m getting my new black dreadnought guitar. Well I know I won’t become a rockstar over a night in my case it will probably take years, but I’m on my way on becoming one that’s the point! haha.

So besides my absurd dreams of becoming a rockstar I’m doing pretty good at school, I’m in the middle of my national tests this week and so far grabbed a VG (Very Good) grade so far, have to wait until next week before I get the final grade. Gonna visit a University I want to apply to next week, need to talk to the student counselor about my grades and what I lack so I can apply on realkompentens (reell kompetens). So my future consists of me dreaming of becoming a hopeful wannabe rockstar that are hoping for an OK in January to study at the university, I’ll cross my fingers and hope for the best.

My life and how Tibet got into it

I got an assignment to write an essay on a conflict somewhere in the world from my teacher in social studies, with that i decided to write about Tibet’s conflict with China. So when i sat there searching for material on the subject i came across an article about a Tibetan freedom fighter named Tenzin Tsundue and he said something that rang inside me loud and clear, i know i have already breached the topic before and i will be coming back to it from time to time as long as this topic is of interest for me.

“Ask me where I am from and I won’t have an answer. I feel I never really belonged anywhere, never really had a home”.

I will return with more about this later on and will probably write down my essay here when I’m done with it. Feel free to comment on Tibet’s and China’s conflict or anything else you might want to add. Until then, take care everyone!

- Teacher in progress – signing out.

Reality check part 2

Who knew!? Life sure is unpredictable to say the least. I’m standing at the roulette table and betting my sanity but for some reason, I’m calm in the storm that should be blasting around me but there are no storm and, I’m not frightened to lose my sanity either, I’m just standing calm not caring for the outcome. Because if you don’t bet you will never know if you might win.

So here it goes, I have placed my bet and the wheel is spinning…

‘09 year of the scorpion

I thought this was quite fun, I do love my sign and feel that I’m greatly related to it as well so, when I found this page on how my 2009 will look like I couldn’t resist to cut and paste it here on the blog. Not that i really belive that this will happen but just for fun. You never know, it might just actually happen. So for now, enjoy.

Scorpio

”Relationships within the family of the typical Scorpio according to 2009 horoscope may become one of the topics of this year of the Ox. Now you have enough prerequisites in order to fully harmonize this area of your personal life. It is advisable to start to establish a true mutual relationship in the family. Be interested in problems of the people close to you and if the problems do exist, then try to help solve them. In 2009 year of the Ox with help, it can become even a simple understanding or sympathy, because it is the main objective of strengthening the cordial relationship and the development of trust. Once the psychological atmosphere in the family becomes more cordial and harmonious, and once the number of conflicts and misunderstandings between the members of your family reduce, you can reflect on the creation of physical comfort in you home. Strangely, once normal relationships have been established within the Scorpio family, you will have the material means not only to buy excellent wall carpet and high-quality furniture, but also the capability to buy a house or expand the already existing one. By the way, your personal 2009 horoscope is present signs that in 2009 year of the Ox will be a successful year to move to a new place of residence, even if your new home will be located in another city or in another state.

For the typical Scorpios, 2009 will bring stability in friendly relationships. It is impossible to say that this 2009 year, the number of your friends and colleagues will significantly increase or change greatly. Nevertheless, in 2009 year of the Ox Scorpio will strive to surround yourself with people on whom you can rely at a difficult moment and circumstances will facilitate that ”natural selection”.

Scorpio plans in 2009 year will be purely practical, at least that what is showing your annual 2009 horoscope. You are now able to think in much detail thus being able to realize a very large amount of your own ideas. It is important to avoid haste and strive to be consistent in your actions this year of the Ox, and then you are sure to achieve success!”

Well my year does not look that bleak, it might actually be a really good year for me, at least it have had an great start so far. I hope all of you will have an great 2009 with much love, joy and friendship!

Reality check

I now got a new place to call home, may so be that it is a temporary home but home it still is. I have been living here for a while now, starting to feel more at home. Got accepted to the courses I applied to, so life might just still go in the right direction, thou sometimes it’s hard to tell.

Well as long as it not involves love life I’m pretty much home free at the moment, but after I woke up today I think I have figured that out as well. Feels like a stone been lifted from my heart, as long as no new sudden changes appear I will be just fine.

So stay the fuck away!

Who knows if my new resolve in this so called plan of life I have is the right way but god damn it, how can I know that? I feel it in my guts that it’s right, should I not listen to it then? But in some ways in this ”life-plan” where I feel it’s so damn right choice to make and someone is standing there, with a chainsaw in my path. What am I suppose to do?

Go right threw and risk my life and sanity? I really don’t know but, I feel that I can take a detour and still get to the finish line, if I’m lucky that is. The worst part in this detour is that it feels like I’m detaching myself from my true self, like I’m leaving something someone behind and with extreme luck I will find that someone at the finish line again.

I don’t know if I want to be lucky or if I want to force my way threw, test my luck and risk my sanity. For now I will in this particular path in my ”life-plan” test my luck and save my sanity for later. Life is a gift, and love is it’s foundation. So why not cherish it? Love in it’s own foundation is like roulette, sometimes you win sometimes you lose but the odds are in favour of the bank as always. So if you are gonna bet, make sure you can take the loss, because what you bet is your sanity.