Rusningstid

Rusningstid. Sitter och tittar ut genom fönstret och ser hur dagliga rutiner blir en massa, en massa av bilar, cyklister och fotgängare. De ser ut att ha så bråttom, mammor hämtar barn på dagis, pappor i kostymer som trängs i tunnelbanan på väg hem från jobben, rusningstid förändrar människor; Stressade, ilskna, uppjagade, att dem orkar.

Själv sitter jag och tittar ut genom fönstret och ser ljus skifta i färger: blått, rött, grönt följs vart efter annat tills allt blir svart när man åker in i ännu en tunnel. Det är avkopplande att se hur gator, broar med dess vatten under sig och parker omväxlande kommer inflytande under ens blick, det är en vacker stad. Oavsett trafikköer och sena avgångar, det finns ett lugn i allt det där så länge man lär sig koppla av och njuta av det man ser, man kan nästa höra hur folks hjärnor arbetar i febril fart; Vad ska jag göra för mat? Hinner jag hämta barnen? Måste posta innan… Det blir tyst omkring mig och jag återgår till att titta ut över Stockholm stad när den brer ut sig under mig i min vagn på tunnelbanan som sakta slingrar sig ut till förorten där jag bor. Höghus blir fina parker, parker blir bostadskomplex med vägar som möts i ett virrvarr av korsningar, fotgängare som går på trottoarer fulla av löv som fallit ur rödgula trädkronor, jag ser solen glimta till mellan husen när jag tittar ut ur min vagn som sakta rusar vidare mot mitt mål, här i lugnet omgiven av kaos, mitt i rusningen.

What I really felt like doing was to take an overdose of medication tonight, I hesitated when I stood by the sink with the pill box that I got from my psychologist today.

Maybe It’s the red wine that made me do it who knows, but it just felt like what the hell why not, what could happen? medicine for depression what can it do, seriously?

Fuck up my mind more than it is? Thats just BS! Don’t think that is possible.

Anyway I didn’t do it, only thing I have to do now is to …. seriously get my mind straight, would be a start anyway.

Grasping, falling as I try

Gasping for breath, trying to understand

Nannanaananaa

Kick me, abuse me, kick me out of my mind

What if everything around you feels gray like a fog, a blend of moist and loneliness.

You can’t see, you can’t feel, you are walking in no mans land.

What you see isn’t real, what you hear isn’t real.

A twisted reality like Alice’s wonderland, but yet in so many ways something entirely different.

If a feeling had a color it would be gray

If a touch had a color it would be gray

If the color gray would feel, it would be a wast emptiness void of any emotions or feelings.

You feel it everyday, you think about it everyday.

You try to avoid it but it is pointless.

What you feel is nothing, what you do doesn’t matter, for what can you do when you are lost in the fog in wonderland with no secret doors, no way out and no rabbit to guide you?

When the tears from your eyes are flowing down at your cheeks and with no one to see them, are they any less real than wonderland or this gray reality I live in?

Are they no less real than my lovers gentle touch when she dries my tears or when she envelop me in her soft embrace so that I can finely smile and feel happiness again?

Thank you love for your understanding, patience, kindness and most of all. Your love.

I don’t need to be so don’t bother

Dishonesty doesn’t solve anything

Slipping farther away so you don’t have to bother

All the connections are built with dishonesty

I try to make you see but all you see is an illusion

I fail to see what you see so don’t bother

I’m a bulletproof empty tool used and discarded

What drives me out of my mind is what you see

Don’t bother because I’m blind so I raise my glass

Here is to dishonesty here is to decisions made by me

I don’t feel sorry for this loss I’m already gone

Can’t you see the illusion is made by dreams

I’ve been changing but you will never see

I’m so far away so don’t bother

Someday I will look you straight in the face and smile

Good bye to yesterday welcome to a new day

Don’t look back I’m already on my way

So don’t bother, don’t bother…

Tears streaming down my cheeks
I wish i could see who you where smiling at

The wheel is spinning, no turning back now
Stuck in track, lost in space

I turned around, there you where
Smiling at me with eyes bright of joy
How come that the wheel stopped
How come that it is me that you’re smiling at

It’s dark outside, but inside of me
It’s bright as day

I have to warm this frozen icy lonely heart of mine
Love is not the word only for the sweet romance
My cold torn broken aching heart recalls all these long years
And all the memories I wanted to forget leaps in to my mind
Warming, breaking, aching, crying, chilling
Making sure that my heart stays cold

Well I’m scared, scared to death
And I’m scared that it will never end
Well I’m scared, scared to death
And I tell myself I’m special till the end

I tried to love this loneliness to slip out of this lonesome hole
Love is always by my side but I’ve never felt it once
I’m just a loser who ends up caring for my cold broken heart
Regrets taught me how to make any hard decisions

I like being wrapped with warmness more than anything else
Breathing in every single pleasant feeling
You turn the cold blackness in my heart into warm light
If you really wanna fly you have to let go

Well I’m scared, scared to death
And I’m scared that it will never end
Well I’m scared, scared to death
And I tell myself I’m special till the end

Waiting to come back up on my feet, you got to believe
When it’s dark you will be the light, when it’s silent I will be the sound
Find you turning, laughing and smiling in this world where everyone is lonely
If you are at a loss as to what to do, raise your finger
It will know which way the wind is blowing

I don’t care what they say no matter what they say
I had a premonition and I’ve been waitin’ ever since what a fool I’ve been
Let yourself loose every feeling joy to grief
I’m gonna make my coming days to be filled with laughter and joy
And I take it all in and grin at my future on the way

Well I’m scared, scared to death
And I’m scared that it will never end
Well I’m scared, scared to death
And I tell myself I’m special till the end

I cried the rain that fills the ocean wide

I’m living in a dying dream calling out to no avail

A dying scream makes no sound as I play my melody

Hitting a accord feeling the sound fill me with sadness

I tried to talk to you, here am I, lost and found

Said if you won’t save me, please don’t waste my time

Tell me, where do we draw the line?

This life is a masquerade, where I am the phantom

That dances to my melody of life

I have had the opportunity to meet some friends of mine that I haven’t seen in years, witch was very uplifting and made me feel better than I have in some time, thank you! And I have started my roulette table again, who knows when it will stop again or if there is any sane person left to make a bet, or rather dare to make a bet.

Myself I have talked to a doctor and are going to meet a shrink and see if it will make any difference, thou I doubt it but I’m happy if I’m proven wrong. And as a side note I have ordered a guitar so I have something to do those sleepless nights, who knows I might become good at it. Always loved the sound of acoustic guitar’s and envied those who can play it, so why not practice the guitar instead of sitting in front of the computer each sleepless night?! So in the beginning of next month I’m getting my new black dreadnought guitar. Well I know I won’t become a rockstar over a night in my case it will probably take years, but I’m on my way on becoming one that’s the point! haha.

So besides my absurd dreams of becoming a rockstar I’m doing pretty good at school, I’m in the middle of my national tests this week and so far grabbed a VG (Very Good) grade so far, have to wait until next week before I get the final grade. Gonna visit a University I want to apply to next week, need to talk to the student counselor about my grades and what I lack so I can apply on realkompentens (reell kompetens). So my future consists of me dreaming of becoming a hopeful wannabe rockstar that are hoping for an OK in January to study at the university, I’ll cross my fingers and hope for the best.